للرائع عبد الوهاب مطاوع....

"لا يهم كثيرا أن يكون هناك من يتحدث عنا ببعض ما لا يرضينا‏..‏ مادمنا نشعر بأنه ليس لدينا ما نتخفي به عن الآخرين‏..‏ أو مالا نستطيع الدفاع عنه ونلتزم بالحق والعدل‏..‏ ولا نؤذي أحدا ولا نبادر أحدا بالإساءة‏، ومهما فعلنا فلسوف يظل هناك دائما من يذكرنا بخير ومن يذكرنا بغيره‏..‏ والمهم دائما هو أن تكون الأكثرية ممن يحسنون بنا الظن وليس العكس وهذا هو حال البشر في كل العصور والأزمنة فحتي الأنبياء لم يسلموا من أذي البعض وتعريضهم، بل إنه قد جاء في الأثر أن نبي الله إدريس عليه السلام قد دعا ربه أن يسلم من ألسنة الناس فأجابه ربه‏:‏ هذا شيء لم أضمنه لذاتي‏."

وصف الإمام علي بن ابي طالب كرم الله وجهه ورضي الله عنه للمتقين:

"هم أهل الفضل؛ منطقهم صواب، وملبسهم في اقتصاد، ومشيهم في تواضع، غضوا أبصارهم عن الحرام، ووقفوا أسماعهم على ما يستفاد. نزلت أنفسهم منهم في البلاء كما نزلت في الرخاء. عظم الخالق في أنفسهم، فصغر ما دونه في أعينهم. قلوبهم محزونة.. شرورهم مأمونة.. مطالبهم في هذه الدنيا خفيفة وأنفسهم عما فيها عفيفة.. صبروا أياماً قصيرة فاعقبهم راحة طويلة.. يصفون في الليل أقدامهم، يرتلون قرآنهم.. جاثون على الركب.. يطلبون النجاة من العطب.. لا يرضون من الأعمال الصالحة بالقليل، ولا يستكثرون منها الكثير.. من ربهم وجلون، ومن أعمالهم مشفقون.. يتجملون في الفاقة، ويصبرون في الشدة، ويشكرون على النعمة، قريب أملهم، قليل زللهم.. الخير منهم مأمول، والشر منهم مأمون".

Enrico Macias invité par Patrick Simonin sur TV5

البرتقالة....للأستاذ نزار قباني

1
يقشرني الحب كالبرتقالة..
يفتح في الليل صدري،
ويترك فيه:
نبيذاً، وقمحاً، وقنديل زيت
ولا أتذكر أني انذبحت
ولا أتذكرت أني نزفت
ولا أتذكر أني رأيت..
2
يبعثرني الحب مثل السحابة،
يلغي مكان الولادة،
يلغي سنين الدراسة،
ييلغي الإقامة، يلغي الديانة،
يلغي الزواج، الطلاق ، الشهود ، المحاكم..
يسحب مني جواز السفر..
ويغسل كل غبار القبيلة عني
ويجعلني..
من رعايا القمر..
3
يغير حبك طقس المدينة، ليل المدينة،
تغدو الشوارع عيداً من الضوء تحت رذاذ المطر
وتغدو الميادين أكثر سحرا
ويغدو حمام الكنائس يكتب شعرا
ويغدو الهوى في مقاهي الرصيف
أشد حماساً، وأطول عمرا..
وتضحك أكشاك بيع الجرائد حين تراك..
تجيئين بالمعطف الشتوي إلى الموعد المنتظر..
فهل صدفةٌ أن يكون زمانك
مرتبطاً بزمان المطر؟..
4
يعلمني الحب ما لست أعلم،
يكشف لي الغيب، يجترح المعجزات
ويفتح بابي ويدخل..
مثل دخول القصيدة،
مثل دخول الصلاة..
وينثرني كعبير المانوليا بكل الجهات
ويشرح لي كيف تجري الجداول،
كيف تموج السنابل،
كيف تغني البلابل والقبرات
ويأخذ مني الكلام القديم،
ويكتبني بجميع اللغات..
5
يقاسمني الحب نصف سريري..
ونصف طعامي،
ويسرق مني الموانئ والبحر،
يسرق مني السفينه
وينقر كالديك وجه الشراشف،
يصرخ فوق قباب المساجد..
يصرخ فوق سطوح الكنائس..
يوقظ كل نساء المدينه..
يعلمني الحب كيف تكون القصائد مائية اللون،
كيف تكون الكتابة بالياسمين..
وكيف تكون قراءة عينيك..
عزفاً جميلاً على الماندولين
ويأخذني من يدي.. ويريني بلاداً
نهود جميلاتها من نحاسٍ..
وأجسادهن مزارع بنٍ..
وأعينهن غناء فلامنكو حزين
وحين أقول: تعبت
يمد عباءته تحت رأسي
ويقرأ لي ما تيسر من سورة الصابرين
7
يفاجئني الحب مثل النبوءة حين أنام
ويرسم فوق جبيني
هلالاً مضيئاً، وزوج حمام
يقول: تكلم!!
فتجري دموعي، ولا أستطيع الكلام
يقول: تألم!!
أجيب: وهل ظل في الصدر غير العظام
يقول: تعلم!!
أجاوب: يا سيدي وشفيعي
أنا منذ خمسين عاماً
أحاول تصريف فعل الغرام
ولكنني في دروسي جميعاً رسبت
فلا في الحروب ربحت..
ولا في السلام.

Identifying psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists....

The psychopath, sociopath, and narcissist tend to make very good first impressions on others. They are excellent actors and can fool almost anybody, even trained individuals. However, they have counterfeit hearts. Underneath their brilliant exterior lies a man/woman that is self-centered, dishonest, irresponsible, and lacking emotions, remorse, and a conscience. These people live with a false sense of grandiosity and specialness and are easily found to be arrogant and deceitful. Underneath the fake exterior is an empty fraud who is lacking a human soul.

Psychopaths/sociopaths are plagued by emotional abnormalities, making them empty shells. They experience “shallow” feelings, which means that virtually all of their emotions are fleeting, if they have them at all. They seem to feel rage and envy in full force, which fuels aggressive behavior in many of them. However, any rages they display are surprisingly short-lived. 

Because of this defect, sociopaths are unable to truly connect with other people. They are unable to have true empathy for others, they are incapable of compassion, and they do not suffer, because they cannot relate to emotional pain. They live a life devoid of true pleasure, unable to enjoy a sunset or the company of an animal or another person. They only get temporary, meaningless thrills out of things like sex or food or deceiving and manipulating others. Most ominously, this emotional deficiency means that they are unable tolove. It also means that they must spend their entire lives watching others and learning to imitate behaviors that they are unable to engage in naturally; in this way, they become demented chameleons. 

Their emptiness also makes them chronically bored. The boredom is almost painful for them, and they will do anything to alleviate it. This contributes to their tendency to act impulsively and recklessly; for instance, it is very common for psychopaths to become addicted to alcohol, sex, and drugs. And ultimately, they will do anything and everything to get rid of their boredom because, having no conscience and no empathy, they do not care who gets hurt in the process. 

Psychopaths cannot change. Psychopathy is incurable and untreatable. They do not want help, because they believe themselves to be superior to “regular” human beings. You do not have to worry that they're a changed man or woman, because they're not. They may give off the illusion of “goodness” in order to maintain an image of normalcy, but like anything else with a psychopath, it's all manufactured. They are incapable of seeing other human beings as unique individuals deserving of love & kindness. All they see is pawns on a chess board. Someone who is capable of abusing you (with silence, gas-lighting, cheating, and pathological lying) is not also capable of suddenly being a decent human being because they found a better partner.

While most of us tend to think of a psychopath (or sociopath) as simply a deranged individual who can kill or maim without feeling any remorse or compassion, that’s an oversimplification of a very complex personality disorder. Such individuals/chameleons are often very charming  and seem very sweet to most people around them.  Sociopaths enjoy some positive symptoms (e.g. adaptability & ability to conceal dark traits). They appear normal and often talk a lot. They may seem to have a lot of genuine interests and seem to be very intelligent. While giving the impression of being reliable, it very quickly becomes obvious that they have no sense of responsibility whatsoever. No matter how often they have promised, or how important, they don't take responsibility. And when confronted about it their attitude or their decision making does not change either. The psychopath/sociopath will be unreliable in trivial and serious matters. It's impossible to determine when they will be reliable and when not. Untruthfulness is one of the more important sociopath symptoms because they show such a remarkable disregard for truth that you cannot trust what they say happened, what they promise will happen or what they say their intentions are now. Another one of the very common sociopath symptoms is that the sociopath does not accept blame for his problems or problems he/she causes to others. The typical response is to blame everybody else and put himself in the role of victim.

Female sociopaths have lack of empathy and other cognitive deficits which prevent experiencing "real" feelings. They are cold in a very deep sense of this word. So they need to "play love" which is in reality they are unable to experience. But "technically" they can be extremely seductive as they are masters of imitation, perfect actresses, who have intuitive understanding of their "craft". For a female psychopath, the consequences of her behavior are always somebody else’s problem, not hers. She is never to blame for anything...Because she’s out to control, she manipulates and punishes at will. She is the witness, the judge, the lawyer, the jury, the executioner - but never the accused... She will break the rules without a second thought, if the end justifies the means." Since childhood the female sociopath may have developed complex and often subconscious methods to deceive her targets. On the surface she appears excessively friendly and charming. She is self-centered, opinionated and over-confident, and expects to be pampered and treated as superior. She is meticulously turned out, expertly masking her inner personality cracks with flawless make-up, perfect hair and an extensive wardrobe, often paid for by past partners. She may have learned to cover up who she really is by appearing confident and self-assured. Yet underneath this confident and highly manicured exterior may lie an insecure, inadequate and ultra-needy woman. This woman must get what she desires at all costs and must always be right. Sometimes she will deliberately claim to misunderstand something to justify doing what she wants, even though she knows it is against your wishes. She may cause problems just to attract attention to herself, because she likes to feel important. She slowly forgives and holds grudges too. Her revenge and retribution can be savage and harsh. Surprise is her weapon. Expect the worst, then double it.

Those who can see their true colors are often the closest relatives and/or partners or husbands/wives. Actual psychopathy requires the coexistence of several key indicators. Here are some important ones to watch for:

·      Insincerity, coupled with superficial charm & being sexy.

·      An inflated sense of self-worth, egocentric, self-centered.

·      Lies habitually and frequently.

·      Manipulative and sneaky. He or she might say that they are sorry if they hurt you (scream at you, cheat on you…etc.) and promise that it will never happen again, but their apology is more manipulative than sincere. They often don’t actually feel guilty about what they have done, only that they were caught.

·      Remorseless. Can easily rationalize wrongdoings. If your partner has trouble  keeping a job, it is always the boss or the co-workers who are out to get him/her.  Likewise, a history of failed relationships is never the sociopath’s fault but the  unhappy consequence of getting involved with the ‘wrong’ people. It is always  someone else’s fault. A cold-blooded snake.

·      Shows little in the way of emotion or feelings.

·      Fake emotions, and they are heartless.

·      Callousness, lacks empathy/sympathy and compassion.

·      Failure to accept responsibility for their own action(s).

·      Easily bored. Needs constant stimulation.

·      Takes advantage of the goodwill of others.

·      Lack of realistic long-term goals.

·      Impulsiveness and cheating.

·      Behavioral problems earlier in life.

·      Poor behavior control, promiscuity and cruelty to people.

·      Irresponsibility. Talkative, always have an answer. 

·      Commitment issues, many short-term relationships or repeated marriages. For someone with a tendency to be violent and impulsive, having multiple marriages is normal. They do not feel any real hurt to themselves as a consequence of their actions in any relationship. They are immune to hurt. So they really have nothing to lose. They just pick themselves up, dust themselves off and move on to another relationship.

·      Projection of their own defects onto their partner(s).

·      You feel like you are living with dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde. It seems like your partner is two completely different people. One day, she/he is caring and loving and wonderful, and the next she/he is hateful and raging and mean.

·      Real chameleon: He or she acts one way when they are around you, but completely different around your parents, and completely different around their friends. In the beginning of a relationship they might seem like everything you ever wanted. They change to fit whatever group they are in. Moreover, he or she might be mean or cruel or disinterested in children and animals, or people who are of no use to him/her.

·      Makes an audible noise when walking around, such as humming, whistling, singing, making duck-noises or clicking fingers.

·      Makes forced loud laughter - belly laugh.

·      Your partner cycles from mean and vicious to sweet and loving, then back again. Over and over. Up and down. Back and forth. Each time he hurts you, she/he apologizes and promises that it will never happen again or that he will change. You want to believe that this is possible, but the cycle keeps repeating. 

·      May make or be seen to make token acts of kindness, for example donations to charity. However these acts are not sincere and are intended just to reinforce the psycho's pretence of being a good person or as some form of manipulation.

·      He or she feels entitled to act the way that they do. For example if they do something nice for you, they feel entitled to a reward, and if you don’t do what they want, they are entitled to punish you.

·      You’re not always sure what the problem is, but things never add up. Nothing seems right. You never feel like you know the whole story. You don’t understand what went wrong, or why your partner acts the way they do or what you can do to make things better. If you follow what they say, things still don’t get better. If he or she does something that is clearly wrong, they will find a way to turn it back around on you. If you catch them lying, they change their story.

·      May lecture you endlessly until you agree. 

·      Has a beaming, charismatic and even messianic smile. 

·      Lacks any kind of personal depth. They act as if they are the smartest, hottest, richest or most successful person and everyone knows it. They will even tell you this if they get the chance.

Psychopaths exploit vulnerabilities and dreams in order to fool others, and then gleefully declare victory when their target is left broken & devastated. By manufacturing and controlling every aspect of the game, they assure themselves that they are always “winning”, but in reality, these games are merely a distraction from their life-consuming jealousy and boredom. Without souls of their own, they feel compelled to destroy the souls of other people. This gives them a temporary sense of superiority, oblivious to the fact that truly happy individuals do not need to harm others in order to feel good about themselves. Psychopaths will always get what they want from the game, because they've orchestrated it from beginning to end. But just because a person gets what they want certainly does not make them a winner. 

Obstacles to a safe, happy relationship with sociopaths/psychopaths/narcissists (wolves in sheep’s clothing):

Sociopaths/psychopaths are hollow soulless predators that can be a lot  more than a sour taste in your mouth. They can be extremely charming, smooth talkers, witty and very friendly, and often a touch narcissistic. Very soon your partner will reveal a two-faced personality. One moment he/she may be extremely charming and attentive and the very next, they will blurt out a hateful, negative comment. People with this kind of personality disorder veer from one emotional to the other without any reasonable cause for it. They are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings. They also lack feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic.  Their grandiose sense of self makes them feel entitled to certain things like your time, attention or money and eventually they will come to see these things as "their right." If you are in a relationship with a sociopath you risk losing your money, your possessions, your job, your self-esteem, and your confidence. Their crimes are brushed under the carpet while yours are always brought up and never forgiven, even crimes you didn’t commit or even think about committing. Whatever the narcissist accuses the victim of doing is more than likely what they are doing.

A psychopath lacks much more than empathy for others in his/her emotional repertoire. He/she also lacks the capacity to experience any kind of emotion that requires deeper insight and psychological awareness. He/she experiences only proto-emotions, which are as short-lived as they’re intense. 

A psychopath may understand other people frighteningly well. They can watch dispassionately, with a cold and calculating mind, going convincingly through the motions of empathy on the surface while focusing on how to turn the situation to their advantage. The only way to spot them is to observe them carefully over a significant period of time. Do they regularly say one thing and then do another, more than other people? Do they sometimes seem strangely un-shocked by shocking events?

For psychopath/narcissist people, their only compass is what feels good right now—“What would I like to do right now?” Psychopathic individuals spend very little time questioning their motivations. They do not examine their own thoughts or feelings in the way that most of us do. The lack of a conscience can help explain a general lack of stability in their behavior.

Not surprisingly, many two-faced bullies show strong psychopathic tendencies. Trying to appeal to the better nature of a person who hasn't got a better nature is a losing strategy. Psychopaths do not feel guilt or shame. They won't feel genuinely sorry for you and will only put up a front of convincing looking sympathy for as long as it suits them. Romantic relationships with a psychopath (of either sex) are fraught with dangers to your emotional and even physical well-being.

Generally, psychopathic individuals are out to service their own short term agendas.  The goal may be to achieve something material in nature or may be to achieve control over a person, such as a child, who is important to the victim.   The psychopath may simply feel entitled to “ownership rights.” Concern for others in their lives is often non-existent.  This lack of concern for others extends even to the immediate family including, children, spouses, parents, and siblings.  It is likely that the psychopath has spent so much time manipulating the victim’s reality that the victim cannot always distinguish fact from fiction.  However, there tends to be an underlying sense that much is wrong.  

People don’t become sociopaths overnight. They have a history of aberrant behavior or dysfunctional relationships. Aside from problems such as minimal empathy, lack of deep and lasting feelings/emotions, antagonism, manipulation, interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness, and anger/envy, 6 additional factors hinder a safe relationship with a psychopath:

1.   Minimal capacity to bond/commit:
      Psychopaths have only fleeting feelings, so at some moments a psychopath may feel so excited by a partner that he may feel he/she found “Mrs/Mr Right.” But, at the same time, psychopaths are always strategic and manipulative and their feelings are always very shallow. So the “Mrs/Mr Right” of one day, or one month, or one year isn’t going to be the same one as the next day, month or year. The concept of “Mrs/Mr Right” or “true love” or "my soul" has no real meaning for a psychopath because he can’t really love. At the beginning of their intimate relationships, they are typically excited and stimulated by their new partner. This state can easily be mistaken as bonding and deep caring for their mate. However, this tends to be the dopamine-driven stage of romantic love that can feel like addictive attraction. Once that fades, so does their interest. It is often at this point that they display disdain for their partner. Accepting that the romantic phase of a pathological relationship was never about love or even passion, but about conquest, dupery and a new thrill for the psychopath is very important. A psychopath shows his true self (the cold, manipulative, cunning side) to those he needs less. If a psychopath feels he needs his/her partner and children for his image, he will put more effort in creating the mask of a good partner. When he wants to leave his partner, he/she’ll show his/her true ugly self. Either way, a psychopath is “good” only as a fake act with those he feels he needs at the moment.

 2.    Dysfunctional relationship cycle:
      They often demonstrate a predictable cyclical style of intimate relationships that are common for those with cluster B personality disorders. They idealize, devalue, and then discard their partners, with no concern for the pain they leave behind. Given that they never had a bond with their mate in the first place, walking away from the relationship causes them little to no discomfort. Many are happy to move along to the next target. 
 3.   Inability to offer a genuine apology:
      Psychopathy is a disorder that hampers the ability to feel guilt and remorse. Due to faulty brain functions, there is a tendency to engage in immoral behavior. When they hurt someone or cause damage, they usually will not offer an apology. If what appears to be an apology is offered, it is rarely beyond words and tends to include an element of distancing and minimizing (“I made a mistake”). The feelings of guilt and remorse are missing because these emotional states are not within their capacity. Therefore, the typical contrition that would naturally follow when one has caused harm to another will be absent. Their stance is typically, "Move on," "Let it go," "You're too sensitive," or, "Why are you still talking about that—it's in the past!"

Psychopaths can’t believe that their bad actions, which they always consider justifiable and appropriate, could ever cause another human being who was previously under their spell to disapprove of their behavior and reject them. Even if they cheat, lie, use, manipulate or isolate others, they don’t feel like they deserve any repercussions as a result of that behavior. To put it bluntly, a psychopath will kick you in the teeth and expect you to say “Thank you.” Being shameless and self-absorbed, he/she assumes that all those close to him/her will buy his/her false image of goodness and excuse his/her despicable actions just as he does.

 4.   Presence of high narcissism:
      For those with primary psychopathy, it is in their nature to have an incredibly inflated, grandiose sense of self. They do not need or care about the approval of others.  Unfortunately, for the individual with psychopathy, there tends to be no genuine interest in friendships or long term relationships.
 5.   Everyone is assigned a role and has a use: "You're my object."
      They have a strong need for power and control and often place others in the role of "loser," even those who demonstrate loyalty, trust and love toward them. For many with psychopathy, this role is also assigned to their intimate partner.
 6.   Immorality: 
      Sychopathy is a disorder that has immorality as a core feature. When there is immorality, harm to others tends to follow. It would not be uncommon for someone with this condition to have secret/dual lives, pervasive hateful thoughts, or a consistent pattern of violating behaviors. Examples include Internet trolling, using children as pawns, abusing/bullying others, or forcing a partner to have sex. A psychopath’s core emotion is contempt for the individuals he/she fools, uses and abuses and for humanity in general. 

As previously mentioned, psychopathic individuals often have no concern for anyone or anything not servicing their agendas or promoting their short-term personal gain.  With little ability to plan for the future or accurately assess the potential consequences of their actions, they often leave trails of destruction that encompass more than their victims’ health.

When you leave a psychopath, he/she becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous. He/she envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he/she wants whatever you value. Psychopaths view life and human relationships as a strategy game. For as long as you do as well, you are just one more game piece for a severely disordered individual.

“I knew in my heart something was wrong with him/her”. This is what nearly every victim of a psychopath has felt, usually early on in the relationship. The lies and inconsistencies. The callousness towards others. The disregard for social norms. The sense of superiority (absolute narcissism), without having much to show for it or justify it. The aimlessness and lack of responsibility. The random oscillations in mood and behavior, to exert power over others. The demands for isolation from loved ones and friends. The control and possessiveness. There are always very disturbing signs in the psychopathic bond, signs that many people tend to ignore or rationalize until the toxic relationship, like a disease, takes over to destroy their lives. 

ALWAYS remember this: you’d have an easier time training genuine loyalty and emotion out of a dog rather than wasting another second of yourself over a psychopath. Psychopaths and malignant narcissists respect no one but themselves and love no one but themselves.

When the breakup becomes a reality, it is likely that his/her 'false persona' will completely disappear all together and you will most likely experience the most hurtful of behavior from him/her. He/she is completely lacking in empathy, and - since he/she is not receiving any admiration from you anymore – he/she will dismiss you and discard you as worthless to him, consequently dropping any fake front that he used to put up in order to keep you in the relationship. It has nothing to do with you. He/she simply is unable to care for anyone other than himself, no matter whom they are. And deep inside you know that you have just wasted years of your life on someone who is an empty fraud. It's like you imagined everything; nothing was real. He/she was a masterful actor when he was getting his ego fed; but now that he/she is not getting his narcissistic supply from you anymore he/she simply - and completely - has totally erased you from his/her life. 

Did you ever hear the saying, “Pain in life is inevitable, but misery is optional?” Applied to dating/marrying, avoiding misery typically means staying away from such toxic people.

Dr. Ghamriny's image of the month, May, 2016

Actinic LP